The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I can’t sleep. I’m still behind on rent and ut. I am working my ass off, living on $20 every two weeks after bills. I have a job that won’t promote me or even give me the hours so I can at least break even. I have nothing of value to sell to make up the money, I don't have any rich relatives, right now I couldn’t even get a loan. Not that I need loan debt on top of everything else. I am at the bottom of the ladder and the more I try to climb up it, the more someone is smashing each rung. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how many more small payments I can make before I am either evicted or without utilities. I really don’t. I have nowhere to go if I do end up losing everything. It would be a different story if it was just me, I have been homeless before, now I’m trying to keep the roof over her head. I am tired of struggling, just so tired. SOB#2 refuses to help, it’s almost like he wants to see us get evicted. I truly have a deep hatred for him, that no matter how many years I have to stick with him, I don’t think I will feel any different. I wish I had better options, but I don’t. People are always telling me to make something of my life but what they don’t realize that even dreams aren’t free. I am making the most of my life with the resources I have. They just aren’t enough. There are no luxuries in my life, there never has been. Usually I am ok with that, for the simple fact you can’t miss what you never had. But just once I wish things would get better for me just so I could see what another life felt like.

Another useless holiday survived. Each one that passes just makes me feel even more empty inside than before. This one, I worked all the way through it. I went a little mad to be honest, my patience was definitely tried. Over and over and over again. I started to look up divorce lawyers I just can't keep trying to bide the tide that's rising up inside me.. I thought he was the only I could trust, the safe choice. However, his childlike behavior, and pure laziness is really putting everything in jeopardy. He hasn't held my heart in so long, that there is no real emotion attached anymore, he is just the safe choice. I have been back and forth on the matter with no conclusions. I think that when the time comes, and I am completely single again, I am done. I will take a vow never to tangle with anyone again. No more, I don't mind dying alone. Fuck it. We all end in death alone anyways. My heart is no longer up for grabs.

I just need a friend. I just need someone to talk to. Someone who can understand and handle all sides of me.

Sigh. Nightmares again. Not the normal kind the ones I'm not used to. What happens when I become the nightmare?

The sense of smell is the worst. It used to be my favorite. The smell I have enjoyed so far was that strong cinnamon scent. I can't stop inhaling it when I walk past it. It makes me want to eat it, burn my throat and my insides. Its so weird.

I love the first real cold wind right before winter hits. It's always sent a tingle down my spine. It also puts me in a reflected type mood. Looking back over the years, I've changed quite a bit. My handwriting, my thoughts, my beliefs, hell even my music taste. Everything is different from even just a couple years ago. Not much is the same except my inner turmoil and my quest. Hopefully it's for the best and I don't lose the real Mr somewhere along the way.

I really hate the daytime. Everyone is always so fucking annoyingly grouchy. What do they have to be grouchy about? The sun doesn't blister and welt them up, no one ever assumes the worst about them in a single glance. They are just everyday regular people. Sure, we all have bill stresses, no one is ever going to escape the cost of living. But seriously people are just really grating on my nerves. I wish I didn't have to work days as well as night. But this is not a perfect world. This is hell. In a perfect world we would all have enough money, love and attention to go around.

Fuck. I'm behind on utilities I'm behind on rent. I'm working hard and still struggling.. I'm failing. Big time.

Damn you ! Why in the hell do I miss you? You aren't in my life. We haven't spoken in so long. Why do I miss you? Who are you to have this strange hold on me? Damn you! I bet you don't miss me at all.

Yay my nightmares have returned, although this one felt different. I woke up not only seeing triple but I couldn't keep steady on my feet. I felt like I was stuck on a diffe rent plane between two world's. My heart has been racing all day. Its like the feeling never left me.



Almost done with new profile I hope to post it up soon

that strange beating of my heart has returned. I used to think it was because of love, but what if I have been wrong all these years? what if love really doesn't exist and that beating of my heart is linked with an intoxicating thrill? So if that's the case, have I become a thrill seeker, if I want to experience it more? I still don't have any way of isolating it and figuring out the cause. But to take out all the emotions associated with it, could it be the doorway to more answers? Certain songs bring it out stronger, but when I tried to meditate, I am greeted with the spinning darkness that I’ve grown accustomed to. No one knows what it is, not even my brother from the house of the forsaken. Perhaps it's my unique trait that sets me apart from everyone else like me in the world.



Mr. N unblocked me and wrote me a status in the code we used to use many many years ago. I unblocked him long enough to basically instill a hatred in him to last him forever. I can't give into that temptation ever again. He has no idea what he almost became to me. He wouldn't understand how many times I explained him, I just didn’t want to blur that line. I guess in some remote part of my frozen heart I do still care. At least now he is safe if we ever cross paths again. I dont care what he does to me, cant be any worse than what I want to do to him. My secret defeat. S.O.B#2 is lucky I have no desire like that for him whatsoever. He officially turned me off from him in just about every way possible. I feel like I am playing by a set of new rules now.



Food is gross, so gross. But rather than risk being dragged to the e.r again I have to eat it. If I turn down food all of a sudden radars start going up, “ omg she’s sick again.” then it's a night of constant supervision. Which is rather annoying in so many ways. It's such a double edge sword. Maybe I can fake a diet for a while and eat a little bit. maybe. I’ve lost some more weight fairly quickly. So really almost all my clothes are loose on me, which in my younger years I would have loved. Nowadays, it’s rather annoying to keep my pants from falling down. “Why not just purchase a belt?” that all requires money I don’t have.



I had a weird dream last night two men were protecting me from some sort of outside danger. I was put into one of the most secured building in this city. I still miss my regular nightmares. Nice thing is I am not sleeping well, so I am getting nice little awake intervals from these “normal like dreams”.



I am still working a ton. I don’t mind the work , it’s a nice break from all the domestic house stress. The only thing I don’t like about it, is I don't have much personal time to do anything I want to do. However maybe that's a good thing right now. At the same time I feel like I am just shoving everything under a rug.



S.O.B #2 is really grating on my nerves.I know he probably means well, so I am trying not to go off on him. I think I’ve reached my breaking point when it comes to him. I don’t understand in the years I’ve been with him, why he has such uselessness and laziness that has settled in. Why put up with it? I don’t know I guess I’m punishing myself, and of course there is her. All my efforts are going into protecting her, a task I never get tired of.



I am not seeing triple anymore so that’s a plus. As quickly as it started for whatever reason, it left as quickly. Which I am fine with , because seeing triple would make me unsteady on my feet and cause me to trip or fall. So no more bruises for me trying to hide. I always have hated the sight of bruises on me. I remember even as a child it would make me feel weak no matter what the circumstances were that I got the bruise from.



I did wake up this morning with four burns on my hands. “Are you sure they are really burns?” yes, I do know what burns feel and look like. Two of them blistered over, which hurt like hell. Luckily, no one has noticed.



Well, that’s all for now. I have to work on my profile for a bit.

True to my word I deleted everyone including ex. I'm really going to miss him but he hasn't talked to me in years. I just got to move on just like I did with Mr N. I'm ready to gather my strength and the shards of my heart. For the year of 2016 things will change. I realized the real reason why I tried to message Mr. N. It wasn't just a reason of missing him. I am a monster. I blocked him so not to be tempted anymore. I can't let whatever is happening to me effect him or anyone else. Sigh, this is rough

I have forgiven most of my enemies at the moment. The only ones I haven't quite forgiven is Mrs. B but then again she's dead I should get over it by now. For some reason I don't want to, I want to hang onto that anger. I forgave Mr. N although he might not realize it with his dense skull. I even poked him on FB, I wanted to talk to him. However he blocked me, lol whatever, his loss not mine. Its not on my conscience anymore.



I am still working on my new profile, I think I am going to write a story about me. I won't display my profile like a dating profile. I will never do such a thing. Especially since love doesn't really exist. But time is something I am lacking since nowadays I am always at work. work work work. I refuse to let this poverty label stop me or bring me down anymore. fuck it. There are no miracles for a damned soul like myself. There is no force in the universe that will help me, I am truly on my own. Fuck, it's been this way my entire life.



I'm not seeing triple anymore, so I guess that's a plus anyways. Im still struggling with the physical part of this transformation thing that I am going through. I decided to keep looking around for someone to talk to about it. Someone who will understand. If I can't find someone before I die, let it be known I did try.



The "normal" dreams are weird. I don't really know how to deal with them. I know that everyone else has them, but I normally don't. I don't really know if I should be scared, worried or not caring about it.



I have said before that I am tired of dead end friendships, I now have a mission. A secret mission if you will. It's all about information now. I am choosing people carefully . I lnow how that sounds, but it's not meant to insult anyone. If it does, then you probably won't make the cut anyways.

I'm not really sleeping well. You would think that having no nightmares would make me sleep soundly but that's not the case. Food is really getting on my nerves and the taste of it alone is really nauseating. Today was cloudy but I still had to wear the dreaded sunglasses because the grey sky hurt my eyes. Other than working nothing else has changes for better or worse.

I don't like my methods questioned to be honest. It makes me want to rebel. With all the wrong shit going on in this world your major concern is my method of thinking? Get a fucking clue and leave me alone.

Fine, to ,"blend in more, " I'll fucking eat in front of people. Food is just gross but maybe the " nutrition " will help, I doubt it but oh well. Show must go on, give the people what they want. Lol.

Another absolutely absurd thought.

Wow really? I sent you a message because I hadn't heard from you and to be honest I didn't want to delete you. All you had to say was you had been busy. That rude message is uncalled for and now you are blocked. Don't be a rude bitch!!!

I started cleaning out my list of friends today I'll have to finish more later. I just can't handle the isolated silence anymore. I crave for intelligence and conversations. Especially on this twisted, weird journey I'm on. I don't want to do it alone, but I will as long as I have someone to talk to thru it all.



I'm working on a profile, something new I've never really done before. I'm taking some time on working on it. I want to get the wording just right. Plus I'm looking for the perfect avatar to match my mood.



My vow for medical attention fell short and ended up against my will at the hospital. I already know my body is giving up on me, everything is breaking down. I know what I'm doing to myself but in the current situation there is no other way. The only question left is how much longer will I endure the destruction of my body before I'm greeted with a dirt nap? Am I scared you ask? Not really, except they is one person I can't trust in other people's hands. Hopefully my ticking clock will tick slowly.



I woke up with a strange faded symbool on my arm that I can't scrub off I have tried damn near everything. I've stopped dreaming again, but I get the feeling someone or something is calling for me. I've been slipping in and out of trances even as I'm wide awake. But other than this is crazy ass weird shit I'm going through there really isn't much going on.



I'm down to one income so I'm struggling still financially. I can't trust him I don't want to being totally honest. I will rejoice the day when he is no longer useful. It's a shame I don't view him as anything but a body in which to sit for her when I'm gone.



I'm still struggling with food. I'm still constantly thirsty. The smells I am encountering are grossing me out, except strong cinnamon. I just want to bathe in the strongest cinnamon I can find. It's a divine smell, makes my mouth water.

I'm done with dead end friendships. So whether we are friends or not those who message me get to stay those who don't I'm putting you into a locked dark room with no escape where I'll forget all about you. It's up to you. I know this seems harsh but there are a couple I have kept a torch lit for you just in case things changed and hell froze over like Ex ,d3m0n, sacred, frenzy. Just to name a few I enjoyed the conversations of many years ago or recently. I have to move forward whether I want to or not. No more silence or dead friendships for me.

My new friendship I tried to establish on here turned out just to be another dead end. He kept saying that he missed me I almost fell for it, almost. Maybe it's time to give up completely on social interactions and love both don't seem to exist.

once again Halloween went off without a hitch. why do I keep getting that strange feeling when nothing ever happens. I do enjoy the holiday however, with a little bit of makeup I can be my natural scary self. the one night the shadows feel more like home.



I'm working myself to the bone with meager wages with nothing to show for it, its actually pissing me off. in 2000 I did a spell to land a decent job when everyone else fell out of the application process they has no choice but to hire inexperienced me. I've always been able to learn and adapt fast. but with my current job its a little harder and trickier to do. i would love to land some sort of higher executive position but right now I don't see it in my cards. I would gladly sell my soul to be financially well off, but even the devil isn't around for me anymore. not to mention my current living situation is barely a step up from living in a dumpster.



I'm not really a piece of trash I'm just stuck in it right now. sigh



I'm not really fitting in at work to be honest. sure everyone is nice to me for the simple fact they fear me. but when everyone gets rewarded, I never eat or even participate. then it's a million and one questions that I don't want to answer. like I'm really going to say no thanks the smell of this crap you are passing off as food is making me want to hurl. or my favorite is you must drink a gallon of water every break, are you sick? more than you know.



I stopped listening to my doctors about my old

injuries. fuck them they aren't helping a damn thing. so yea I guess I am still in destructive mode. fuck healing properly. I flat out to refuse to ever seek medical attention again. I'm fed up.



I've started to lose some of the weight i put on. not that I give two damns about my body anymore. but I suppose it's nice to slim down some.